Shame- Which Kinds are Productive and Which Kinds are Unproductive-And How to Tell the Difference

Shame- Which Kinds are Productive and Which Kinds are Unproductive-And How to Tell the Difference

 

This blog post speaks to both women and men, but I do wish to point out the fact that this topic is especially relevant to women as a whole, given our generational upbringing.  Therefore, if both genders would please excuse that hypothesis in the first paragraph only, there is some deep wisdom on the topic here that can be gained by all of us.

Women as a whole carry a disproportionate amount of shame.  So much of it isn’t even ours to carry, but because we are conditioned to just do what needs to be done, and meet other’s needs, we take it on in order to ease another’s burden.  As time goes on, we learn to take it on in all sorts of unproductive ways, opening the door and letting it in over and over again.  We become accustomed to just leaving the door wide open to welcome shame, without ever stopping to ask ourselves if it is even  ours, if we need to let it in, or if it is a desired constant houseguest.

How many of us carry shame from our families of origin, both others’ true shame, and also for things no one actually needed to feel shame for?  It might be shame that was actually another member of the family’s to carry.  But no matter, we picked it up and threw it on our backs out of purpose, or maybe even blame, because another family member couldn’t take responsibility for their own actions.  On the other side of the coin, perhaps the shame stemmed from failure to succeed in one way or another; unproductive shame that was not anyone’s to rightfully carry, but continued to be passed on throughout the generations.

Shame is useful when it makes us think twice before doing unkind or unethical things.  It is also useful when it causes someone who made a mistake to take responsibility, make amends, and change their behavior.  Because our society is not set up to handle atonement and reconciliation in ways that aren’t doused in excessive shame, however, productive shame is many times too large for a person to be able to take on.  But when someone refuses to take responsibility for their behavior because either the shame or threat of shame is too great, often times we pick some of it up to ease their burden and lighten their load.

Although this may seem noble, where then does this shame go?  This unproductive shame is stored in our individual unconscious, and sometimes then the collective unconscious, and keeps us from being our full, shiny, capable selves.  It also takes away an opportunity for the person whose shame it is to take responsibility for their actions and heal themselves and anyone they may have hurt. Perhaps a better idea would be to create a healthier system where atonement and reconciliation are handled in ways that aren’t doused in excessive shame (but more on that in a later discussion).

Shame that isn’t ours to carry holds us back from bringing our true gifts into the world, as we are afraid of what we will look like if we fail.  In addition to shame that isn’t ours to carry, shame from failure to achieve a goal is also a form of unproductive shame.  It doesn’t serve a useful purpose, and we don’t have to say yes to it.  Just like shame for being different than others, having a physical or mental challenge, or any other form of not seeming to be ‘right’ by certain societal standards, shame from failure is not real shame, and only robs ourselves and society of the unique gifts we are here to offer.

Failure is not a productive reason to feel shame.  Failure means we stepped outside our comfort zone and tried to bring into form something we were lead by our soul to follow.  Failure means we’re on the right track. Failure means we tried.  And many times failure is caused by things that were completely outside of our control.  The only true failure in this example is to not rise up again and continue to follow the path we know is true, even when it deals us challenges.  These ‘failures,’ just like any other ways we may not seem to be acceptable by society, are not reasons to feel shame, they are merely opportunities to strengthen our relationship with ourselves by choosing whether or not we’re going to allow them to add more shame to the disproportionate amount we are already carrying, and whether or not we are going to let them define our worth.

Our worth can only be taken from us if we choose to deem ourselves unworthy.  It is always our choice.

If someone overpowered you in the past because of their lack of self-worth, do not let that diminish yours.  They were trying to steal from you what could never truly work for them.  It’s like someone other than the chosen person trying to steal and use the sword in the stone in order to fill themselves with worth and power.  It will never work.  Power and worth that are not cultivated on the inside and from the deep knowing that we are not separate from all that is, will never last.  It will never satiate the hunger someone’s soul feels from not being secure in their own worth, for not saying ‘yes’ to themselves.

So it seems to me that we have three choices when it comes to being faced with the tendency to take on shame for unproductive reasons:  we can diminish ourselves, shrink down and hide, and deem ourselves less worthy; we can try to get it off of us by acting out against someone or something else and attempting to transfer it to them; or we can just say, “No thank you.” when presented with the choice to take it in or not.

Unproductive shame hurts all of us, and we don’t have to continue to say yes to it.

#youareworthy  #stopthemadness  #riseup  #truepower  #beyoutiful

 

 

Advertisements

I will be live tonight with David Clark on “Different Strokes for Different Folks”

I am under the impression that this is a call-in show as well. 🙂

Join us! 6:30pm CST

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/authordavidclarke/2017/12/15/merge-your-spiritual-and-physical-worlds-with-amanda-dobra-hope

 

 

How Loving Yourself Helps You to Attract Healthy Relationships With Others

How Loving Yourself Helps You to Attract Healthy Relationships With Others

The healthiest relationships are those where both people are doing their personal growth work, and the amount of give and take feels relatively balanced.  If you over-help everyone else at the expense of yourself, hoping for love and validation of your worth by what you can “do” for them, you’ve set up a toxic pattern.  If you expect others to jump in and save you every time you face a challenge, you lose an opportunity to learn and grow.

We must all do the majority of our personal growth work.  That work involves getting to know yourself and understanding your worth.  You have worth by the mere fact that you exist.  You do not have to prove that worth to anyone.  If you feel as if you do, it is time to look at why you feel that way, and apply some love to that part of you after you’ve uncovered the misconception.  You deserve to be treated with honor and respect, but you must be willing to honor and respect yourself before you’ll be able to recognize when you are being mistreated.  When you begin to stand on your own two feet and love yourself, you will no longer agree to situations where others are dishonoring to you.  You will develop the courage to say no to those people and situations that do not honor your being.

It is a process, as you have most likely picked up false concepts that have been on repeat in your subconscious for years.  Be gentle with yourself, and celebrate every new victory where you’ve learned to stand in your power and love yourself.

It is possible that you may find yourself a bit lonely for awhile.  Try to embrace, rather than to fear this period of time.  This is your time to spend wonderful, quality time getting to know and love yourself.  It is in this amazing time that you will build the foundations needed to bring new, healthy relationships into your life.

If you learned to be alone and really fallen in love with yourself, you will begin to give yourself all the things you gave away to others while expecting someone else to fill the cup you emptied.  Our cups should runneth over, and we cannot give what we don’t have.  So give, love, get to know, and fall in love with yourself first.

Remember to congratulate yourself for taking the first step toward a better life- a life in which the genuine love and respect you give others comes from a cup overflowing, and the love you receive is in line with what you’ve learned to give yourself.

You got this.

Manifesting What You Truly Desire: Part II

Manifesting What You Truly Desire: Part II

This is a continuation of my last post.

How do you get to know yourself, in order to be sure you manifest what you truly desire?

Take time for stillness, meditation, and contemplation each day, and get to know yourself in an intimate way.   Learn from your feelings about things.  What are they telling you?  What are the deeper feelings under why you feel that way?  What lights you up?  What drains you?  What makes you feel like you are moving towards something, and what makes you feel as if you are manifesting more of what you’re moving away from?

When you answer these questions and start to move forward, you should also be aware that many of your old subconscious beliefs (ones you are probably not aware of), will begin to rise to the surface.  They will try to throw you off track, because you are trying to manifest the opposite of what they are telling you is possible for you to achieve.  You soaked up these old tapes long ago, and they are most likely not applicable to what you are trying to create in this moment. Be gentle with them and yourself as you attempt to define, unravel, and dissolve them, they’ve been with you for a long time.

Give yourself grace, and move through both the wins and the road blocks with an understanding that you need time to dismantle the old, as well as to integrate the new.  Be proud of yourself for choosing something different, and celebrate the fact that you are continuing to move forward, despite the old programs that are trying to derail you. You are stronger than they are, but you also must bend a bit to allow them to affect you.  If you do nothing but fight constantly, you’ll wear yourself out.

Manifesting your dreams is a delicate balancing act.  You must move forward without pushing so hard that you exhaust yourself, but also keep enough momentum going to keep you at a steady pace.

Take the time to integrate and absorb the new you are moving towards.  Manifesting what you truly desire is not a huge jump from A-Z.  It’s a journey that you’ll look back on at different points in time,  and realize just how far you’ve come.

Slow and steady wins the race.

When Life Gets Tough, Hang on.

When Life Gets Tough, Hang on.

Today’s post is another inspired writing, where I just write what comes, without much editing or proofreading.  I hope it helps someone who may benefit from its message.

 

When the road is long and you are feeling weary

Hang on.

Change is around the corner.

 

When you feel like you’re gasping for air or that no one around you cares

Hang on.

Change is on the horizon.

 

Believe it.

Feel it.

Be it.

 

Love is always here.

Even in your darkest days.

 

Believe in the power of love to heal hearts.

Believe there are better days coming.

 

You are part of the universe.

You are everything in the world.

 

Love yourself

And you love everything.

 

Love all.

Joy is inevitable.

 

Even if you can’t see it right now.

Believe it is hidden

And it will be revealed.

You are so loved.

How to REALLY Achieve Your Dreams, Including Those You Didn’t Even Know You Had!

How to REALLY Achieve Your Dreams, Including Those You Didn’t Even Know You Had!

“I’m so proud of you- you’re going out there and making things happen!”  I heard today in response to some recent wins.  I was puzzled for a moment.  It seems that our culture believes that the successes people achieve occurred because that person went out into the world and pressed all the right buttons to bring their goals to fruition.  But I have a secret.  The truth is, these people are CREATING their lives; not with all of the details figured out, but with a grander picture of what they wanted them to be, doing the work, and then TRUSTING the outcome.

In my particular case, I didn’t necessarily decide what I would be doing or who I would be doing it with, but rather put forth the intention of the feelings I desired from those things.  I then trusted the universe to bring me the details in whatever form best fit into my dreams and desires.  What I really did was tune in to my intuition and higher spiritual helpers (Whom I call God and my “team”) and asked for their help in creating my best life.  I then followed their guidance, put in the work, and aligned myself with what they were calling for.  I diligently showed up, did what was asked of me to the best of my abilities at the time, and then allowed for things to happen.

In case you are wondering,  I did not have to give up my free will to that which is larger than me, but rather used my free will to choose these higher beings to guide me, because I realized that my life is exponentially better when I follow good leaders who have my best interests in mind.  Of course the journey hasn’t always been easy, and many old things still come to the surface to try to sabotage my efforts, but I continue to listen and trust, even though I may not know exactly what the details of my goals will look like, or how long they will take to come to fruition.

Here’s the real secret to the goals people see me reaching, and the successes they see me enjoying—Once I listened to my “team,” showed up and did the work, and put out my intention (not necessarily always in that order),  it was not me that then  pressed the final button to MAKE things happen.  That would have  been like be going to a restaurant, putting in my order, and then going to the kitchen to make sure the chef is making it to my liking, and standing over him or her the entire time.  In order to have an enjoyable, relaxing experience at my favorite restaurant, I must have an intention, show up and do what is required, order what I want, and then TRUST.   In this example, I must make the money, bring the money, and then go to my favorite restaurant.  I then have to sit down and order what I think will be a nourishing, healthy, and delicious meal, and then trust it to be delivered.  I must trust that the server will deliver my order to the chef, and then must trust the chef to make it to my liking and dietary restrictions.  Then once again I have to trust the server to bring me my meal.  I don’t know exactly how long it will take, but I do know that if I relax and enjoy the process, I can most times trust that what I ordered, and did my part to manifest, will in fact be delivered.

Trust in your higher spiritual team and the universe.  Show up, do the work, and then let it go.

All will be delivered in its right timing, if it’s for your highest good.